I just want to say....

I know that my friends and family are concerned. I want everyone to know that I appreciate your concern. I do however, feel as though I am being doubted and questioned right now... I want to try and explain my situation to you so you can better understand what I am trying to do for myself. Without going into to much detail and giving away private info to the cyber world masses, here goes honesty!



My current bills total over $1500.00. That is rent, car, insurance, credit, storage and phone. Not much right? Now try to image paying these bills when making less than $800.00 a month. I haven't included the now passed, Mr. Woo or my food, gas and medical bills! YIKES!

Its like squeezing juice out of a rock. Not gonna happen! I need to get my self out of the financial black hole I fell in to. This means I must sacrifice some of my dreams to box stores and Christmas trees.

To answer some of your questions...

Why did I leave the last spa? To begin it just wasn't working out right now for me to be there this moment in time. That doesn't mean I never want to work there again and maybe I should have not given notice and instead took a medical leave but if anyone even slightly understands depression, one can't really see well into the future. Mentally I was and am on the edge and to be totally honest the edge translates into not wanting to live (Don't freak out...I'm not doing it... it is an emotion I must feel in order to heal). So... Could I continue to work at a wellness center that isn't to be utterly honest that ...WELL?- And being a person who can pick up what everyone else is feeling (yes, for those that don't know - I can feel what others feel whether it is headaches, sickness, stressed out, pissed off, happiness what ever - sometimes I don't even realize that it is not me) and here I was trying to make others feel better when I wasn't even convinced of how I felt. Hopefully someday you all will understand. All of this doesn't mean I don't think that ANB will not succeed someday - I actually really do believe that it will succeed. But I will say this... I really hope ANB puts more value in advertising and selling their business to their clients. They have a great idea and other should know about it.

Did I give ANB my every effort? Yes, in the beginning I did. Did they give me their every effort? I don't think so but that is ok and doesn't really matter. Realistically I couldn't even afford to drive there anymore and to be totally honest there were times that I hoped and prayed for a cash tip so I could drive home. And then when the insurance payments were changed (I still am waiting for the insurance companies to pay ANB so that I could be paid for massages from October) from being paid upfront to waiting till the insurance company pays. Business wise I understand why they made the change but my pocket book couldn't handle it.

Not to mention that I couldn't sit there and watch one of the Doctors that works there treat Mandy like shit. So it was either I opened my mouth or leave.

Personally I also realized that I need the security of a real job or a least some sort of regular paycheck. The wishing and hoping thing just wasn't cutting it for me

My spending habits... I have heard this one before. If you consider buying groceries, gas and an occasional video extravagant then shoot... I'm guilty. I haven't gone clothes shopping or bought any jewelry. I don't do drugs (but maybe I should start!) and I don't gamble... (although I am good at Roulette)... so I can't claim to be spending money on frivolous things. The funny thing is I had another friend tell me to budget some money to do something fun even if it is ten or twenty dollars because your going to drive your self crazy if you don't do something you like to do once in awhile. So yes I spent twenty dollars at McCarthy's two weeks ago personally I don't think that that twenty dollars was going to make or break me.

It took three weeks to get my first paycheck from Best Buy and I missed part of my first week because I had gotten the flu. So my first real check comes this Friday (5 weeks later). Yeah!!!!!! Did you know I am a "Appliance Consumer Expert" and I have a shiny name tag.... DON'T BE JEALOUS!

My OC gigs... yes they can make me a lot of money but they are in no way a reliable pay check. I had planned on coming down there two weeks ago but if only two or three people are schedule it doesn't work out money wise for me to do it - do all that work and driving for 40 bucks?

I am so happy that many of you have made similar life changes as I did and have made the transition successfully. I recognize that I did not transition as smoothly as I would have liked. I am a dreamer and by now most of you should know that dreamers... well they dream. Have I actually made some progress on some of my ideas, yes on two of them! It is slow going when you have no money and that is ok because they are my slow going dreams. And why can't I talk about going on vacations? and seeing the world? or even finishing my walk. It doesn't mean I am leaving tomorrow. Do I want to? Most definitely! If you never dream it how are you ever going to make it a reality? If your gonna dream, dream big! But I still have to pug along with reality and paying the bills!

I hope this helps you to understand my situation a little more. I know that many of you just want to help me and I appreciate it but this is not something you can help me with. I have to do this myself and more than anything I just need my friends, family, their support and to live life to the fullest. I will make it through this slump and come out dreaming!