ummm

Blogging can be theraputic - that is why I do it.
Then it can be a source of stress when you have to filter yourself or answer questions abou what you had written or feel -
I often have thought about starting a new blog that nobody knows about - so basically this is a waring todays blog is sad and depressing and I do not want to talk about it - ok, ok.

I currently feel incredibly sucky about my life - like bad - like I can not even describe how pitaful i am right now - like I might have to go back on anti-depression medication. I am trying really hard not to -really hard.

I feel like the biggest failure in all areas of my life - finacially, romantically, friendships, career, everything wise and I know I made these decisions that got me her but I didn't mean it to go where it has got me - how did I get here?
This ...this is not where I meant to go - at all. At 37 I thought I would be in a totally different place I really did or at least partially or at least half way somewhere. Or, I would at least be happy.

At 37 I am basically starting all over again - I have started all over more times already than some people do in there whole lives - which isn' a bad thing but why can't I find a career that satisfies me? I do not even like massage right now - which, I never thought that would happen. I feel like crap and trying to make other people feel better just turns my stomach in to a knot and gives me a headache.

The whole car getting repo'd thing was/is really bumming me out - but, I think I have made peace with that (except for the finacial failure part) this might actually be the thing that gets me to exercise....isn't life funny at times. Got to get to work some how.

And friends I have to say I do have some of the best friends a girl or any person could have - They are there when I need them and there even when I push them away and there to help make dreams come true. They are so good that they are taking my depression and my feelings of being an inadequate human personally - I don't know how to fix that? - I don't think that I can? Really, the only thing that can make some one happy is themselves. Oh, and don't forget money he he he he he Just kidding.

One day at a time - one day at a time