so a little bit

about my new situation. I live in a house with 3 others that maybe just turned 21. And they seriously have beer pong competitions every other night. Yes, really every other night. Well, since I moved in about 15 days ago. In fact last nights party was still going on this am when I got up and there were a few individuals puking there guts - Good Morning! One on the porch one in the bathroom and one on the couch with a trash can..really is that necessary? Mind you I did get up at 3:45am.
So now I am sitting in the house that smells like an old beer bottle and I accidentally stepped in something wet on the carpet ewww! not happy about that!
Anyway, I do love my work. I love making food my boss can be a bit of a bitch at times but I like it over all
I dream through out the day on how my place will be what I will do in my bakery/cafe or not do.

Well that last entry was a little angry

I was mad.
I have since moved and got a job baking in NorCal and doing pretty good. I do love what I do. Even on my worst day like my bike getting stolen I am pretty happy. For some reason I am pretty connected to what I do as a career for happiness. Which I need to work on.

One of the people I work with asked ...Why are you so happy all of the time? I guess I just try really hard. And I hide it well.

SO I guess we all new the time would come when they realized I was out of money and they just might kick me out(CIA) well that time has come... Which is utterly sad since I graduate in less than 3 days - I am now not even aloud to go to work - how FUCKED up is that! And this is all over 5,ooo It just makes me think that they don't want anyone but rich people coming to the CIA.

So I bet your wondering what is going on? Me too! I just finished working the World of Flavors Conference and I am on my seventh day in a row. I had been pulling 15 hour shifts so I am exhausted and don't want to be in this building one more second but ...I will be in here until Saturday. The day of rest.
I graduate in less than 2 weeks and I still don't know what I am doing! What I had planned on isn't really working out so I am trying to figure out a new plan. O my god!! And where am I going to live!!

so frustrated!

Things are going to fast and to slow all at once - I think the stress and frustration will let up once I have all the details worked out like were to live between graduation and the end of the year, can I buy a car, should I buy a car, do I drive and move or do I fly and move, will I get that extern in New Orleans and on and on and on
ughhhhhhhh

Cheese Tasting Class

So that is my class - of course we all have hat head so be warned
these are all of the cheeses we tried

and this I believe is the one I was allergic to Rouqefort (sp?) not good - not good at all - it was almost instant - thank goodness a classmate was urging me to take benedryl the minute I said something is not right - all is good now and thankfully it was the very last cheese we tried

another cupcakery

So this is Lollipop Cupcakery somewhere near Larkfield(?) adorable place and the cupcakes were really cute - good size - and of course I went for the red velvet ...maybe I should just give up on red velvet cupcakes because I have not found a great one yet!

The chocolate and Fleur de Sel cupcake was good part of the problem is all the cupcakes are kept in a refrigerator case and we did not wait to let our cupcakes come up to room temp before we ate them

They also made ice cream in house as well

Checking out Cupcakeries

This is Sift of Cotati, Ca
There atmosphere is a little girly with chandeliers and stuff but still doable
and this place had constant customers on a sunday late afternoon

this is there banaofee (sp?) which is amazing ! Banana Cupcake with a caramel center and creamcheese frosting so good!
this is there Key Lime I loved the person I was with though to tart but it is a lime cupcake?
Here is there packaging which is cute but that plastic container is annoying!

Overall I loved them cupcakes were fresh and yummy and a normal cupcake size

well

So things are moving along ...wondering what the right step is next? I might just stay here for another month so I can hang out with the family and friends during the hoildays. Or do I just go and start - but that could be sad

I am in contemporary cakes right now not really my style but interesting

I seem to always be tired lately - not sleeping well - clinching my teeth a lot as well - probably will be better once I know what I am doing for sure

Going on a pumpkin field trip tomorrow and a tour of a goat cheese farm so that should be fun
Miss ya all

Happy Birthday !!!!

A big Happy Birthday to Kris and Shannon
Love ya

update

Ok, so I am given you all some photos along with an update since I have been lagging in this department big time -
So above this is the cake I made for my practical in Occasion cakes - it is a couple of suitcases with a top hat and a bouquet of flowers

Gosh, I look tired wich I am pretty much most of the time - here was another cake no specific occasion

Amy and I at Hardly Stickly Bluegrass 2008 - which I proceeded to get a very bad asthma attack after sitting in a grove of Eucalyptus (not smart on my part - but I hadn't had asthma in months) I actually missed school on Monday as well and I am still having a pretty rough time of it

So I have been wondering what to do next I really think I might do externships all over the place for awhile 3 months in Louisana and then 3 months in Ny at Amy's Bread basically here or there ...fun places

Stressful trying to line this all up as well as a place to live - hoping

Sorry, the updates have been lagging! Things have just totally been up'd a notch or two and I have either been totally busy or totally tired!

I just finished my two day mid term practical (even though it is past mid term) and I passed!

Thank god! It was way to stressful for all of us in the class and everyone passed which is nice we had another person drop from the class which is sad so close to the end.

I passed that last class I wrote about last time - so I do not have to take that over - I have since taken a wedding cake and a special ocasion cake class and I am now on to plated desserts. Classes have speed up now and range from 7 - 10 days

I can't believe less than 9 weeks left

And I have been searching for externs around the country and I am just not sure what to do or where so I might do a couple
Louisana - work for a hotel - maybe Costa Rica (Ritz Carlton)
NY - amy's bread and Jacque Torres ( bread & chocolate)
Las Vegas - bakery
and then back to Cali - it would take about a year

It is wierd to be looking at moving out of state when I miss everyone so much
I am really busy this weekend I am making a birthday cake enrobed in fondant and then a dinner party is being put on and I am doing the bread & dessert and the mignardise which is just a tiny little morsel of sweetness at the very end of the meal - I really do hope to post some photos if I can this weekend as well

So the last few days have been difficult! My practical did not go so well in fact I didn't not finish in the time allowed.
I then thought I had become the new President of the Ale Club and now I have heard that some other Faculty member said yes to some other students so I do not know now. Maybe it is a sign? I am doing to much again?
A good friend came in to town this weekend which was a great distraction - we even after I received some odd news - went out to the Martini House. It was great! I did not think that the service was all that great for the reputation it has but the food was outstanding! Easily considered Disneyland for students at the CIA. A new class starts on Monday Sugar Art - so that should be fun. As far as the last class will I have to repeat it? I do not know at this time.

New Friends

some of the girls I have class with
Anna, Julie, me, Gabby & Lauren
second row abby & Sandy
Monica
Class Field Trip
Lauren, Kris D, Melena, Chef D, Sarah, Julie, Gabby

Stuff I have done

#1 Lemon Tart w/ stuffed raspberries

#2 Lemon Semolina Bundt Cake w/ a lemon glaze

what was left after dinner

#3 Chocolate Souffle Cake

Artsy Stuff

Mixer Paddles
Assortment of Rolling Pins
Cake Pans
Whisks

wow!

So much time has gone by since I have last been here ...
Well, I have left the bread job for a teaching assistant job much better hours, less pay but well worth it - so now I am trying to get used to sleeping during the night. No more vampire hours for me!
My Mid term costing exam was yesterday and I did great - of course after much anxiety! I even dreamed about it - I hate math!

And then today I just took my written final in my Cookies Tarts and Mignardise as well as in Individual Pastries - it was hard! The teacher did all of these fill in and essay questions yuk!

I had all of these plans to write something witty and cute but my brain has forgotten and is mush now! All I can think about is what classification is a Paris Brest? I am sure not yucky like I had written as my answer on the test ...hopefully he at least laughs.

Tomorrow is my practical I have three hours to make Napoleons, bavarian cream and Bartlett Tarts soo much fun - I can't stand it!

Next week for 1 week we get to work with sugar and do sugar art - I guess it is suppose to be like blowing glass but no blowing involved? Then on to wedding cakes.

I have been searching for externs to do I am thinking the south to possibly New Orleans and then just as the snow has melted go east to NY and maybe Amy's Bread and then end up back in this area around the bay somewhere - or maybe take a tropical detour.....

Week 13th

So I am back in school and my break was just not enough time... yet, it was enough time to make it hard to get back in the swing of things.
I didn't do to much really - the CA fires really put a damper on things for me in regards to my breathing...asthma.
I worked most of the time, I did go home for a few days which was also covered in smoke. I traveled by train which was pretty cool - although, it seems to run late most of the time. The time spent at home was really not enough - I didn't get to see half of the people I wanted to or do half the things I wanted to do.
I did get to see some familair faces,have some laughs, as well as, spend some time with my little niece.
So this class that I am in now is Classical cakes which means Black Forrest, Lemon Tarts, Frangipan Tarts, Buttercream Cakes and such - and more time is spent on doing things right and less on mass production - which is nice and more up my alley.
Off to class -

Happy 4th Everyone!!!
It has been a few days that I have been off of work as well as school and besides the smoke that is all over California things are good.
Wow!
Things are good.
Live one day at a time and enjoy every moment - that is what I am trying to do and I think it is working - finally!

Half way through

Oh my Gosh I am done!!
Today, was the last day and I came through the practical with a high B so that is great!! Apparently, I can make great pies, cakes and not so great Eclairs they were to big - so sad otherwise I would have gotten an A
The written test was yesterday which to be honest I really did not study for ...well, not as much as the last ones. I am just burnt out. Over it - and tired. I did great - I guess - not studying works better for me.
Well, I am at work now so I better get back to the bread - plus, it is hotter than shit in this bakery. It is after eleven pm and still around 100 degrees - not great bread making conditions.

Miss you all - I have pictures that I will try to post soon
Half way through - trying to decide where to go next snow or beach?

See ya all soon
Love ya

Just finished my written final - UGH!
It actually wasn't so bad consideeing the melt down I had yesturday and how I am just burnt out. Won't really now until I get the test back which is hopefully tomorrow. My practical is tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that - especially, since I work tonight.

I can not wait to come home and visit I miss everyone so much!

As a few of you know already some of the girls I hang out with are quite young and it is very interesting to watch them go through life experiences trying to figure out who they are - what they want - and what seems to be a battle growing up but yet still trying to hold on to ones parents. I have such a different viewpoint I am so far removed it was so long ago and I keep telling them that it all works out and that they are great humans but when your in it it seems so much worse which i understand.

Image of ones self is so scewed. Any way, last night this classmate of mine, Julie, who I think pretty highly of was telling me...how she looks up to me and wishes she could be a better human... like me...woooow! And how I am so patient and have a good attitude about life. So funny do I see that in myself, not at all. Good thing she didn't meet me a year ago. Or even a few months ago when I was being dumped by friends for being to complicated. Perceptions...yours mine it all comes down to perceptions.  

Break can not come soon enough! So now that I have free'd up my weekends by working nights I have been working with the Garden Club a lot. Which I love, it is a pretty big spot they have and it isn't to far from home base. I walked over there last Sunday and hung out for a couple of hours and then walked back. I had no idea but I was burnt to a crisp and I had used sunscreen. I actually feel helpful and knowledgeable as well which is nice since for a change.

Yesterday, I made donuts it was kind of fun jelly filled, Boston creme, powdered and chocolate dipped and then...it was over a hundred degrees in the bakery and I was standing over a350 degree vat of oil frying donuts - and the sweat was running down my legs - it lost it's appeal.
The last two nights at work have been interesting Wed night utter disappointment - my bread was well, flat! I wanted to jump out a window. Then last night..it was beautiful! I love watching it rise in the oven it is magic every time it occurs. Apparently, with such high temps in the bakery I needed to use much colder water like down around the fifties who new? Now I do. I even got home early... one am.

Today we are going to practice lattice topped pies and make cookies it should be a nice Friday.

Things have been crazy busy since taking on that night job ...a lot to get use to being a wake at 3am ...and it has nothing to do with alcohol.
I have two weeks left before summer break starts yippeyy!! It could not have started - soon enough! I could have started last week.
As I suspected I did pretty bad on that last written final - but what do you expect when the teacher writes test questions that were not in lecture or demos? I did really well on my practical thank goodness - so I will end up with a B in the class.
This week in we learned how to make creme brulee and creme caramels, creme cakes, pies next week donuts. Team mate wise things are much better thank the higher powers!!!
I can not wait to come home and chill, sleep, be outdoors in day light ...I am not asking for much ;-)
Get ready!

Happy Birthday!!!
Vanessa
Love you & Miss you

So my final started today - my written - and it sucked! My teacher's test are so utterly frustrating it drives me crazy! Have you ever had a teacher that gave you test on stuff that they never cover? So when you get the test you are utterly blindsided ( apparently I like utterly today) I miss Cuesta College right now and there disabled student program - I felt like they really wanted me to succeed. Here I am not feeling like that - at all. My practical is tomorrow and I think that will go better but I am not sure. I have been thinking that maybe I choose the wrong school that maybe I should have went to the French Culinary Institute in Ny. I guess I shouldn't think like that but I can't help it right now. I will have the same Chef instructor for a third class and a class that he has been vocal about not wanting to teach. Actually, what his exact words were " you should be glad that I am not teaching that class" well he is and I am not sure what to think?

It is Memorial Day and of course I am working ...got to keep going if I am going to retire by the time I am forty hehehehe

I was thinking how amazing the changes in my life are. My life since I went back to school has pretty much done a 180 and I am not on that downward spiral of doom and gloom. Thank the higher powers, the pilgrimage-camino de santiago, positive thinking, the secret? Who knows and it doesn't really matter except that things are better. After, over a year of crap - life is good and getting better.

I am thankful for that and for those that did stick by me through the last year I know it was not easy or rather that I was not easy to deal with and Thank You! It if kind of wierd to look back and parts of the last year I don't even remember which in the end I guess is good.
Thanks again!

So I have been working both jobs and I am tired and I am thinking I have bit off more than I can chew. Is that really anything new? I need to work on that. What I am concerned about right now is can I really make great bread for a fancy restaurant in Napa? I am feeling like - no tonight. Maybe I am just tired.

SO tonight is the start of a three day weekend and pretty much the dorm is empty everyone has gone home. What to do maybe ...sleep. One of my classmates left there car for me so I get to go to Napa and maybe go to Wholefoods or something, mainly just get out. 

So many things happened this week I feel like Monday was two weeks ago. I have recently found that when one is up for twenty plus hours in a day - that day then feels like three days and things get distorted. Sat & Sun I worked an insane amount of hours training with the bread job and working my shifts at the store (26 hrs). I won the RA position here at the dorm which really isn't like any other RA position - mainly just making sure the kitchen doesn't burn down and that there are no keggers going on and in exchange I get money taken off my bill. Which is fantastic! Lets get that number lower and lower.

Some point this past week I got in to it with my team mate (still the same girl)she is a b***h! My only solace in that situation is we get new team mates in a week and someone else will have to deal with her. Our team leader tried to talk with her because others are having issues with her as well and it didn't go well - at least I know it is not just me anymore. Today to top it off she wanted to work on these rolls all by her self and karma is great she f**ked it up hahahahah! They came out like rocks.

Then today was like Christmas I got the car, an a lap top for the weekend oh and I was given a mini refrig hip hip hooray!

Great News! Rock Star news! I got this job baking bread at the Wine Spectator - it was such a long shot when I applied for it. Very exciting!
So I am now doing my two weeks at the Campus Store, training with the bread baker and school ...it is a bit much, thi sweekend I put in 30 hours in two days. The people at the store were not being nice at all due to me giving notice. SO I am trying if they keep it up I am going to walk and screw the notice.
I am also trying to see if I can home tis weekend coming up ...we will see

It's getting hot here

So all of you know how much I hate the heat! It has been over 100 degrees three days in a row and I am dying!!!!
I don't now if they were kidding but they said it is like this until November ...ugh!!!!

LAMINATED dough other wise known as

Croissants, Bear Claws & Pain au Chocolate ( a chocolate croissant) So today was hotter than heck it was 93 degrees at 8:30 pm in the teaching kitchen. YUK!! I am not used to this heat - plus our uniform is a great percentage of polyester...they are wonderful! As the sweat runs down my legs!

My new team mate kind of sucks - she is a hard core Jersey girl! She acts like there is a marathon to be ran when there isn't one and is always taking short cuts or just throwing shit out she doesn't want to do... it is very aggrivating. And to top it off last night she was blaming me for shit that went wrong - I lost my lid.

So I am the lucky one of class so far and have gotten the two bottom choices for teammates. My current teammate was so verbally abusive to her last teammate that he dropped out because she was such a bitch and he didn't want to deal with her anymore. Maybe I am getting all the difficult options over now and the rest of my teammates are going to be super stars- or maybe it is me?

So it is Sunday night (Mothers Day) I just finished work and I am getting ready for my new class that starts tomorrow - Hearth Breads and Rolls. Not only do I have to print out all these course guides and syllabus but recipes and such as well - and then I need to iron my uniforms. Nothing to exciting happened yesterday except for a few trips to the hardware store (which is a pain in the ass when you have to walk and it is about twenty min each way) I was trying to get one of those hooks to go over my closet door nothing worked - they were all to small.

I went with some friends from class on a small drive just to get out of St Helena a little bit (looking for adventure) and we ended up in Yountville. Home of the famed French Laundry and Buchon restaurants, of course we did not eat there since FL has a dinner charge of oh 200.00 a person approx ...we just peaked in the windows and then took some back roads home. Then back at the dorms a bunch of people pitched (sp?) in and made a fabulous Vegetable Lasagna and salad for dinner.
Well thats all for now

24 weeks to go

Ok, I made it through my Baking techniques class 24 more weeks to go. My written test was Wednesday and the practical was Thursday and  and I actually did really well on the practical. Of course I had the usual test anxiety and don't remember much of it as usual. My practical I pulled (there was 4 different options that you had to study for) was on 4 bagettes and 4 batards 30 cookies dipped and un dipped (in chocolate)as well as a 1/2 recipe of pastry cream in four hours. So, I am really glad that is over! The next class is Hearth Bread & Rolls for three weeks and then Pastry Techniques for three weeks and then summer break! 

The last week and a half was pretty hard staying up late (1-2 am) to study and then being up early to study and really only one day off. I pretty much can only work about 25 hours a week (which is nothing) and I am exhausted! I am out of the house Mon thru Fri from 8:30 am - 9pm and then Sunday 9:45 - 6:15pm. We had a freak day off today and I pretty much just slept and went for a long hike, walk. We BBQ'd tonight nothing like the lazy Sundays back in the day in H town. Although, we did have a guac off - which then provided some great guacomole and an amazing amount of bread from everyones practical.  I have been really missing everyone and home! And can not wait to come and visit everyone. Maybe go to a Blues game ...have they started playing again yet? 

Contra Dancing

Ok, so I went with a group of classmates to Contra Dancing last night. It was rather hilarious - it is like square dancing but with no squares. It was also like dancing with the Amish - and they were very serious. Apparently, many of them compete who knew there was Contra Dancing Competions? And then we had mexican food in Calistoge which was ok - good. I think the good part comes from the fact I haven't had any mexican food since I left SLO.

Finals this week, again. I am only nervous because test make me nervous but I think it will be ok I have to make 3 things in 4 hours and it is going to be totally random.

I am hanging in there this week. I am so very tired. I have definately learned that with this school you can not work fulltime - you just can't. I have always been one of those people that has held a job while going to school and usually fulltime or two part time jobs. This place kicks your ass and you just can't. I kind of freaked out the othere day and yelled at my instructor which is not a good thing. I lost points for the day for it and was also made an example of ...no fun there.
I took an extra morining off this week to recover and sleep and I am doing better now. I am glad I am here it is just very hard at times.

Hi

Hi all here is my first loaf of sunflower seed bread isnt she pretty lis :-)

starting the 4th week

hello hello,

So I made it through the first three weeks! Which kind of seems like a miracle. 27 weeks to go. And if all goes right I will be home to visit in 6 weeks. As of right now since I got a 97 (that is freaking amazing) in my Safety & Sanitation class my GPA is a whopping 3.5 (I was wrong about the pass fail thing we got grades). I still have not gotten my Math grade so we will see how long that lasts.
Today, is the first day that I wear the chef's outfit my pants are really long like probably a foot longer than I am and since I am short they are the kind of pants that go up to your neck - fun! I think it is interesting that they have people learning how to cook and bake wearing white - white really isn't a great color for a clumsy, klutzy girl like myself.
My allergies are a little out of control lately and I actually was sent home from work yesterday because of my cough. So I am on all kinds of over the counter stuff and it doesn't seem to work - I am staying away from that job in the basement for a few days to see if that helps since it is very moldy down there (they don't seem to think it is) and I think that is what started all of this. Other than that I am ok just missin everyone.
Any who... miss you guys

one grade rec

So I just found out in my science class I got a B, which is wonderful! Yippeyy! I am sure then, that I must have gotten a B in Math. So now I can breath...sort of I have a final today in Sanitation/Serve Safe this class doesn't have a grade it is just pass/fail and Certification.
It is kind of gross and you learn about stuff you just probably wish you didn't know. I had to learn about all the parasites, bacteria, and viruses one can get from food - pretty much no more shellfish, Sushi definitely no Oysters and there was something else, apparently I am trying to block it from my memory already - not good my test is in an hour.

I started working this week - I got the job on campus but I am still looking because my allergies have gotten so bad since I started - I have that awful cough I get and I think it is because it is so musty and moldy in the bottom of this 200 year old building. I still haven't heard from the bakery which is what I really want ...keeping my fingers crossed!

Guess what?

If you see black flecks (that look like pepper) and smell a nasty oily smell - there could be cockroaches near by.....

I learned that in my Serve Safe class aren't you glad I shared my info

Still waiting on my grades - ugh!!! it is already past five and no grades how frustrating!

the day after

So I went to my interview this am (at the bakery) and they said they would let me know ....ugh! I started at the campus job and it is pretty much in the basement of this 2oo year old building, made of stone and guess what ...it makes me sick - there is mold every where - you can see it - I was wheezing and coughing the whole time. I won't leave though until I have something else no worries.

My other final I think I didn't do so well. I will know tomorrow what my grade is and hopefully I passed.
I have got to get back to class - miss ya all

And the good news I got my whites today ...Now I can dress up!

finals

So I just took my Math final and I think I did ok????
Now, well in a few minutes, my Food Science is the next hour and a half test yippeyy!

One would think we would have a short day or something right? No. They have decided to move up or Serve Safe class to start tonight and the final in that bacteria and sanitation filled class will be the end of class on Friday

So that means I actually will have a free weekend!! Thank the higher being!!

Oh, good news I got the job here on campus I start tomorrow and I have another interview at the bakery tomorrow as well, of course I have already confused the two and my first day start time is the same as my interview time...go me!

Saturday my day off?

So yes, it is a Saturday and technically i am off today but I have finals on Tuesday and papers due on Monday. One paper is on Marshmallows - at least it isn't on Peace Talks. The second paper is giving me a hard time I have to use 8 definitions in a paper on a baked good of my choosing separated into two categories Fats & Sugars. I think I am going to do a Pretzel. Why not? I guess I have been picking wacky topics because we talk about serious bread all day and croissants and what makes it so flaky and a good croissant over a bad one. It is just flour, water, salt yeast and maybe some butter. Everyone is so serious.
Yesterday, we took a little field trip to see a cheese maker it was out at Point Reyes, The Cowgirl Creamery. Great cheese and great business owners. They actually make vegetarian cheese by using a vegetarian rennet which is very rare. Not that the rennet is rare - just rare that a cheese maker is using a vegetarian rennet.
That is another thing you learn a whole lot about food that maybe you really didn't want to know. Like did you know that all, and I mean all sugar is put through a filtration process that involves bones? White, raw, all browns kind of crazy -oh, and that all brown was white and then sprayed with molasses it is easier and cheaper to just process all sugar at once then go back and make some into brown and light brown sugar.
So I finally took a break today and walked over to the Berringer Tasting room and did some tastings, used my student ID for a real nice discount(free) do not tell anyone. Then walked back to my place of residence and struggled with this Fats and Sugars paper. And now I am back in the computer lab I thought it might help sitting in front of the computer ...not so much
Well, I should get back to work missing you all :-)

week 2 almost over

First, here are some shut outs. Miss Emily, Happy Birthday from Auntie - I love you so much!!
Mandy, Happy Birthday to you! And to my little man Jordan your getting so big a Happy Happy Birthday to you as well.

So I am almost at the end of my second week. And this school is tough! They were not kidding when they said you should not work for the first three weeks - I don't see how you can and get all of your assignments done. I have not turned the TV the whole time I have been here (right before going to sleep doesn't count w/ sleep timer) to busy studying and getting homework done. Even on the weekend I had to study for my midterm and now this weekend will be the same ...but, for my final in Math and Science which are on Tuesday. I think the science one will be OK but the Math ...word problems definitely not my forte(sp?) One thing for sure you have to get over being the kind of student that wants all A's. In this short amount of time it is just not happening, at least not for me.
The food is kind of funny it definitely goes in cycles of what the hot side students are learning. Like this week at the beginning was smoked stuff - cheese was OK other things not to much (to much smoke flavor) and the rest of the week has been a lot of pork and sausage and some of it not so good. Maybe because the Pork Board is here as well. Desserts this week are from around the world and let me tell you why would anyone think that chocolate and curry go together? It was gross! I didn't mean to try it someone was asking what it was and looking at it I thought it would be lemon or an herb like Verbena no such luck.
I have met some really nice people in my class mainly girls. Apparently, baking and pastry lends itself to a student body of mainly females but, the hot side has mainly men and some cute ones at that. I study a lot with some girls that are in the same dorm and in my class there is Abby from LA, Anna (which we call Bananas) from San Diego , Sandy from Mass, Krista from Minn, Kristen from Mass, and Kristin & Julie from NY. The dorms are interesting the walls are very thin hence the TV with sleep timer. You can hear the person next to you talking on the phone and most of there conversation - weird. The bed is a lot to be desired I miss my bed that is sitting in storage. You can kind of feel the springs poking you definitely, not like my pillow top. The maid is pretty awesome - I do love that - she makes my bed once a week!
I have been looking for a job and there are some very well know bakeries that are hiring but they are kind of far (Napa, by car 20-30 min) so trying to figure out transportation has kind of been a pain. I think I might have to settle for a bit and just get anything until a bakery position opens up around here, St Helena. So I have applied to a couple of wineries and for a few positions here at Greystone.
My scholarship and grant search has paid off! When I got here I still owed 21,000 and now I am done to 15,000 so that is pretty amazing. :-)
It is very overwhelming & stressful at times and I am hoping that by the time we are out of the classroom next week that it will be more like I imagined cooking school to be. Cooking and baking stuff.
Love to you all miss you lots!

third day

So much homework! Holy shit! I have reading assignments out of 4 books and then the math class is several chapters a night and I am tired oh, and papers.
So for meals everyday I think the hot side cooks / students make a couple of different dishes that we all eat from kind of like family style. So when I first got here I decided that I would have the intentions that I would not be a picky eater and try everything. So last night was some sort of crazy spicy stir fry. It was good but I have not eaten red meat for just about a year now. I got so sick! All through class (because dinner hour is in the middle of one of my classes) I was concentrating so hard not to throw up. And as I was walking out the building I am thinking don't throw up on the castle. You can't be the girl that threw up on Greystone! So I made it back to my room and proceeded to throw up for the rest of the night ...so what was the lesson here...I am going to be a pick eater! I have a weak stomach and I can be a pick eater!

First Day @ CIA

Ok so amazing! - so amazing! Yes, I am still terrified that they are going to kick me out at any minute - especially when someone final looks at my bill - but, oh so amazing!
The school really is a castle (3 storries) and it looks out over Charles Krug vineyard and the neighbor to the right is Berringer. Looking out my room you see the Berringer grapes/vineyard. The town could not be any cuter! Kind of like Templeton meets San Luis Obispo. There is a Dean & Deluca market.
Today was pretty much lecturer after lecture be on time, dress professionally yada yada yada -but, at lunch wow! the food and I am going to make that eventually so cool! Blinis with a raspberry caviar, hornets with creme fresche and strawberry caviar, and these egg shells (hollowed out of course) filled with maple angalise, meringue and bacon bits, and the best was french toast rolled in panko and a grilled pineapple was on top with creme fresche - I am still surprised how much I liked that! I hope to have some pictures soon oh, and guess what I am not the oldest person here yippeyy! I have met some very nice people and I have to tell you about the rental car next time
Adios

Endings & Beginings

So wierd I am ready to go and nobody is here - it is kind of like I am sneaking off in the night. I was thinking this was a lot easier this whole moving and transforming ones self 16 years ago when I did it the first time - I was also much more confident I guess then I am now hopefully that will change. I will miss everyone a lot! A lot a lot!

Transforming your dreams into reality can be quite a challenge now, for even though you see the outcome in your mind's eye, the manifestation is still different from the fantasy. You may be tempted to fight for great gains, but you'll be more successful by narrowing your focus and taking one small step at a time.
By Rick Levine
Sunday, March 30, 2008

Lots of love

smile?

I am trying - I guess I need to see one ... a smile that is

Ups and downs

So I am suppose to move tomorrow all my stuff is packed and ready too go. Here is the bad part I guess since the whole acceptance thing was right down to the wire I did not get my financial aid award letter until wed or thurs of this week and I thought it was pretty good news I was awarded about half of the money needed to go to this school. I don't know what I was thinking I guess i was thinking since I made hardly any money last year that I would have gotten more and I thought I could definitely do the rest on student loans - not really - you can but one needs a co-signer.
I am so freaked out I just am not sure what to do so I guess I am going to go and see what happens at this point there is nothing to loose I have all my stuff in storage I gave up my place where else do I go any way? If I had my car still I could at least live in that but I don't and this must be how people become homeless. Is this all happening because i didn't ask the 8Ball - that sucks. Or is it maybe a lesson in faith? I don't think I have anymore! If this doesn't work it self out I am just not sure what to do - I really don't and I am tired of trying.
Sorry so depressing - just venting my frustation and confusion and all of those other words that end in "ion".

Fantastic News!!

Holy Smokes!! I am in.
I was actually officially accepted to the Culinary Institute of America! Classes start on the 31st. Yes, as in March 31st., and I am moving in one week. Holy Cow one week. Financial aid is still in the works they say not to worry and there seems to be a lot of jobs up there. I can't believe I am moving. Finally some light at the end of the tunnel. What is very ironic about all of this I am leaving almost to the day that I left last year. Did it take me a year to find my path, new direction - apparently so.
There is hope. Hope for the future. Hope to finally get caught up on all my bills, debt. Just plain hope.
Oh, and Happy Easter Egg and Chocolate Bunny to you all.

Flogging Molly

So, if your a fan you know they played in Vegas the other night - One of my best girlfriends went - excited for her sad for me.
Anyways, she called in the middle of the concert so I could listen and gosh it brought the biggest smile to my face still does! Even through all this life drama - for a few seconds it was like I was there and just so sweet of my girl to remember me while she is at a concert with her man - friends they make life just a little more bearable - much love

Since, I am doing shout outs - one goes to a fantastic friend that loaded my ipod with some great tunes for me - another item to be totally gratefully for and makes life a little more bearable actually a lot more bearable since I use it on my two hour commute - thank you! and much love

Only the 8ball from now on...

So I have decided I can not make a life decision to save my life right now!
So that school that I was trying not to get excited (which obviously I have) about still has not received any paper work (we are going on 2 weeks with the USPS) which means no financial aid yet!? Ugh? So what am I suppose to do? It is suppose to start in two weeks - and I told the person whom I rent from that I might be going at the end of the month - so I find out yesterday she took that as I was going to be out on the first, as in gone - which, sadly wasn't even my plan and has someone else moving in on the first. And it isn't just anybody it is actually her boyfriend so it is not like she can say adios! Two weeks to figure things out what a deadline. I don't even have money for a deposit for a new place - do I move? and if so where? what do I do? what do I do? what do I do? what do I do? what do I do? what do I do? what do I do? what do I do?what do I do?
So I am going to try to make all life decisions from now on by the 8ball!

Isn't she cute!

God i love that little girl

interesting story

So I was walking to work as I usually do and...

I was saying my little positive affirmation to myself when I see a check blow by my feet. Yes, I said a check it was blowing down Broad St., I chased it down and guess what? It was a signed check for 1895.00 - crazy huh? Could I have used that right now! So the affirmation that I was saying to myself was, "money comes freely, easily and frequently" so I sincerely hope - that didn't count!

What did I do with the check...are ya wondering? Of course I turned it into the bank on the check - come on now - you should know me by now!

ok...

If things go right - as in maybe I am finally on the right track - I just might be living somewhere else (as in not on the central coast) in 30 days. A new beginning, finally! The sun might just be starting to shine again.

oops!

Just wanted to clarify - I just read that last vomit of my fingers and I just want to make sure that no one thought I was implying that all this crap I have been going through is due to my friends. In no way do I want any of my friends to feel responsible for what I am feeling. All of these crazy, ugly feelings are not because of my friends - sometimes I am sorting things out as I type hence why some are so long winded - just wanted to clarify.

Got some news last night check this out...

The big box store I work for is changing things around - and they are going to move some of there full timers down to part time status - Can a girl get a break? And I do not mean one of my bones.

awareness is where it all starts - I guess

Definitions:
Bitterness - expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret

Envy - painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same

Jealousy - disposition, attitude, or feeling

Ok, this is all coming up - because a dear friend was trying to point out to me that my brutal honesty / sarcasm maybe too much at times for my roommate and that I should tone it down or filter myself because I could be hurting her feelings.

Of course at first I was defensive and hurt and possibly not listening at first. So of course I thought about it all day - and on my walk home it dawned on me. An aah moment! It could be true and maybe it was coming from not such a good place. I realized that I was filled with the ugly emotions of bitterness, envy and jealousy. Could it have possibly taken so long to figure out because I have never really felt those emotions before? Usually, I am the one that loves to celebrate every ones happiness and every moment in life worth celebrating. I am guessing that when one is unhappy long enough those ugly feelings will eventually follow. To realize that you are filled with those ugly emotions is unsettling to say the least.

I guess part of it stems from my job/career situation - I guess I figure if I am single I should at the very least have that going on...and I don't.

The other part that has been bothering me as well, is that I am constantly made very aware of my single status. I know that things change and will continue to change as everything does. Friends aren't as available as they once were. They also have started planning couple things which I understand couples will do. Dinners, trips or weekends - things have been planned without me and it does bother me.

Just maybe, it is not because I am single but because maybe I am not any fun to be around lately (as in the last year) and when your talking about bitterness, envy and jealousy - I guess I wouldn't want me around either.

I would like to be in a relationship I really would but I am not settling just so that I am in a relationship. I figure if you settle one day down the road your going to ask your self why did I settle? And I don't want to ever ask myself that.

Sorry for diversing - so once again - I hope that with awareness - change will happen! I really don't want to be a bitter, envy filled person. It seems like such an ugly person to be and sad. I am remembering something a dear woman told me before I left on my walk on the Camino. She had said, "you maybe done with the walk, but you are never done with the walk" I think I am finally understand what she meant.

what is bothering me?

So first off my baby sister had to fly back to NY with her little family today - to attend the funeral of someone that use to be my grandmother as well - oh, divorce isn't it grand? So there is still an uneasiness and an unsureness as to what one should do in an already uneasy situation. Do the once step children attend? Or do the send there condolences or do they just stay home? Has anyone written a book about these situations yet? If not there is an idea for you.

So she (my baby sis) looked so sad and unsure not only is she going through this but then she is flying home with the little one by herself on her way home because my brother in law needed to go-ward to Louisiana for work. She has an inner strength that she doesn't know she has - she will get through this - plus, we still have a sister in NY so if she needs something Vanessa will be there. I feel bad she is the bridge most times for all of us to this once and now past family and actually her current family - weird. Anyway, she has Mya who today was singing the "follow the leader" song from Peter Pan (she informed me) through the airport as I followed her - one can't stay to sad for long with her around.

I have also been waiting to hear on my final acceptance at this school up north and I am getting edgy because I have not heard yet - and it starts March 30, less than 5 weeks away. I thought I was doing really well with leaving it all to fate but now I am getting anxious. Mainly, because it involves moving which involves giving notice to places such as where one lives and places of employment oh, and getting financial aid lined up. The main hold up is this math test I have to take before entering and the closest place is in Fresno and then the next is in Napa which when you have no car could be the same distance away. They are checking into something else and will supposedly get back to me by the end of the week...ugh! Patience - do I have any?

And then this is probably ridiculous - but, it has been on my mind for days now and is apart of what has been bothering me. When you ask someone not to tell anyone - that you just confided in them because you needed to talk or you needed help - Why? Why do people not keep there mouths shut? It is not like I ask this alot of people but gosh two separate events happened over the last couple of months where the one I asked not to say anything opened there mouth. Why does this bothers me so much? I am not to sure other than the fact that I am one that definitely ponders things and is prepared for things before I open my mouth ...at least usually. Maybe it stems from all the crappy things that have happened over the last year and being uneasy with situations and people...untrusting? I look back and have been burned quite a bit this year and really hate when things get thrown back into my face I guess.

Shit! That doesn't even sound like me - where have I gone? What have I become? Who am I anymore?

Self Confidence... I realized today on my walk to work that my self confidence is lacking which is ultimately retarded when I think back on the crazy things I have done and achieved. I wonder where did it go? Is it all because of the whole job thing? Was my self worth and self confidence that tied into my job - if that is so I am glad I am at a place to change that. So how does one fix that? That is what I am pondering now

Things feel like they are in a stand by mode yet maybe falling apart again? - kind of like I am almost to the end of the marathon and then there is another corner.
Trying to be hopeful and just take things one at a time. Emotions seem to high at times uUGH! I say to hormones uUGH!- salt and chocolate are godsends.
Then I checked my horoscope:
You are skilled at making everything look good on the surface, but something isn't quite right behind the scenes. It feels as if the truth keeps slipping away from you just as you get closer to it. Don't think that your approach is the only possible way. Only time will tell which path makes the most sense for you.
By Rick Levine
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
That is just it which PATH makes the most sense?????

I heard the coolest analogy the other day - life might be easier with a recipe but aren't the ones you make yourself better? ;-) Sometimes that is very true

fate is interesting

So I was going to write about this issue a friend and I are having - which, has basically put the friendship in a holding pattern since November. We really haven't seen each other since then and it is really very sad. So different from a year ago when we saw each other basically evey day or talked when we didn't see each other.
The main issue is that she sees something that went down one way and I see it another - and they are not close at all. My feelings were hurt and still are as well as hers and I wonder if we will make it past this point? I am sure she doesn't even understand why my feelings were hurt as I with hers other than the fact that my gut tells me she feels like I left her...as in her beyond the job that I left her personally but I didn't it was really all about me. We worked together and I left that job and I could totally be wrong on that. I just couldn't work there anymore nevermind the fact that I have no car to get there. All of this is sad because we made things happen for each other... dreams and such and took care of each other and now we don't even talk.
Anyways, this blog was going to go in a totally different direction then it is I pulled angel cards again this am and this is what I got when thinking about this very subject:

Patience Beauty Grace

So that is all and I feel a little bit better as I usually do after writing on this blog and wish you all a good day...and never let misunderstandings get to this point ...

ups and downs

I still definately have my ups and downs and most of it tends to go along with wether or not I am hopeful about the future or think I have found direction or hormones. I am definately tired of dealing with not having any money. At least my friends have finally stopped asking me to do things that cost money but, in a way that is sad in its self. I had a dear friend recently point out that I think to much well - yes, most defiately I do but how do you stop? Believe me I wish my mind would shut off for a couple of hours maybe then I could get some good sleep.
So I have been looking at going back to school - which most definately means I would have to move - but, lately I have been thinking that just might be a good idea. I don't like the idea of moving from family and friends but I am obvisouly not doing something right or I think (there I go again) things would have been much easier in this last year. Please do not get me wrong - I know life is not easy but it shouldn't be this hard. One should be able to live where they want and be able to make more than ten thousand dollars in one year ...no wonder I couldn't make my car payment!

holding pattern

Not to much going on ...just hanging on.
There is possibly some light at the end of the tunnel.
I do not want to get my hopes up or actually even give any of you any ideas since then some of you seem to get the impression that I don't stick with anything or give things my all? Which, I don't agree with - could it be maybe I do give my all - as in to much of my all? And why is it that one is suppose to stay with a job that is slowly killing you or making you meiserable?

So I will leave you all wondering what will I do next. Will I revisit the past? Or will I try something completely new? I wonder...

Contest

Here was my horoscope for today and I thought I would share it since it was so uplifting along with all the other uplifting things I have going on right now it made my day.

The next few weeks emphasize relationship issues as the Sun moves through your 7th House of Partnerships. Although you could make much progress, the underlying problems will not likely be resolved very soon.(does that mean I will stay single?) Even if others don't meet your high standards, (are they saying I am picky)you'll be happier if you can still accept the love that comes your way. Keep in mind that you don't need to settle for less than you want while receiving support in this stressful time.(are they saying take the lovin you can get right now?)
By Rick Levine
Sunday, January 20, 2008
For some reason this just doesn't sound to optimistic...

On word... Has everyone heard about the Chief Magic Official (CMO) job at Disney? - It is a contest and I need some ideas for the 1 min video - the job sounds awesome basically you go to all the Disney parks and grant wishes AWESOME!! What more could I ask for? Right? Check it out at www.dreamsCMO.com and give me some ideas there is only a week left to enter 7 days from today and I think I would like to make the video on Friday or Saturday and then download it to Disney. Now come on guys you are a creative bunch help me think of something that is me and Disney and not like any of those other videos.

Congratulations!!!

I hear some very happy congratulations are in order for Dan & Myra who had a baby boy the other night - much love to them. A wish for healthy & happiness to the new little one!

what to do..

OK, so at the beginning of the summer I was asked to join a family trip that is actually next week. At the time (6 months ago) who could imagine shit would go the way it has - and I had said, yes.

Now, that the trip is next week - I definitely have mixed feelings as most of you could imagine. On one hand I feel like it is retarded to go on a trip in the money situation that I am in on the other hand I won't have to worry about eating or money or what to do with myself for a couple of days so why not? Yet, for some reason I can't embrace that idea. So I am going - but, not excited - I sure once I am removed from home and all things stressful the laughing will begin and things will be fun at least until I return home and all things that are stressful.

wondering

I know I talk alot about wishing I could ask the wizard behind the curtain or the Magic 8 ball what to do? At this point I just don't know ...do I go back to school? Do I move? What do I do? I feel as if everything is this hard then I must not be doing the right thing. Don't get me wrong I know life is hard but should it be this difficult? ...I should have found some sort of job by now. And I know the coast is hard but maybe ...I don't know.

And if I was to go back to school I don't even now what to go to school for? The Wine Industry? Or Rec, Travel I don't know History?

So here is my job wish list:
Mainly I guess I just want a job that I don't take home (like the last one, I don't want my job to kill me) I don't want to do massage right now - since I can't seem to keep good boundaries with those I work on and take on all of there stuff which I don't really need right now since I can't handle my own. I would like it to be fun ( do we all want that) I like doing lots of different things, tasks, and exceeding responsibility but not to much since I tend to take work home with me.

Wish you all well and I will be here wondering

Resolutions?

I have thought about this a lot and I usually only like to make actual obtainable resolutions

So this year here are mine...

1. To do my very best to use less plastic in my life

2. To walk more and use a car less ( this might actually happen heheh)

3. And to find my passion in life again

4. To do something fun at least once a month

5. To get all my debt paid off (except for the student loan)

That's it seems pretty easy we will see... how I do

...interesting questions this week

Nothing quite says your gettin older like...

"Isn't your 20 year reunion this year?" ouch, that one really hurt!
or
"do you want to join the elks?"

thank goodness I don't own a cat

Still confused

Why does it seem like I can't make the right decision to save my life...
So the box store convinced me not to quit and said I would be full time as of the 6th - and I know there is still time (not really - today is the sixth) but I am just so tired of things that people tell me not actually happening. I kind of feel like that my life is always in a holding pattern waiting for this to happen or waiting for that to happen. I thought I would give up on applying for new jobs for awhile but I think I found one yesterday that I would be really good at - so we will see what happens. I guess if it is meant to be it will be.

2008

So I have made it through the holidays and overall it was pretty mellow - due to my fiscal issues I was not the big gift giver that I usually am. It was different but ok. I did miss giving all the gifts but it didn't kill me never mind I just couldn't. For New Years the last couple of years a group of friends have just been getting together at one of our homes instead of going out and it was fun lots of laughter and good times which is all that matters. Overall mellow.

So I was offered a job at a local travel agency and went to give notice at Best Buy and now they are trying to keep me. Then the travel agency up'd there offer. I am so confused as to what the best thing is to do. I am trying to break it down to if I stay with Best Buy I should have medical benes in a week or so ...what is the best path ...I don't know