awareness is where it all starts - I guess

Definitions:
Bitterness - expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret

Envy - painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same

Jealousy - disposition, attitude, or feeling

Ok, this is all coming up - because a dear friend was trying to point out to me that my brutal honesty / sarcasm maybe too much at times for my roommate and that I should tone it down or filter myself because I could be hurting her feelings.

Of course at first I was defensive and hurt and possibly not listening at first. So of course I thought about it all day - and on my walk home it dawned on me. An aah moment! It could be true and maybe it was coming from not such a good place. I realized that I was filled with the ugly emotions of bitterness, envy and jealousy. Could it have possibly taken so long to figure out because I have never really felt those emotions before? Usually, I am the one that loves to celebrate every ones happiness and every moment in life worth celebrating. I am guessing that when one is unhappy long enough those ugly feelings will eventually follow. To realize that you are filled with those ugly emotions is unsettling to say the least.

I guess part of it stems from my job/career situation - I guess I figure if I am single I should at the very least have that going on...and I don't.

The other part that has been bothering me as well, is that I am constantly made very aware of my single status. I know that things change and will continue to change as everything does. Friends aren't as available as they once were. They also have started planning couple things which I understand couples will do. Dinners, trips or weekends - things have been planned without me and it does bother me.

Just maybe, it is not because I am single but because maybe I am not any fun to be around lately (as in the last year) and when your talking about bitterness, envy and jealousy - I guess I wouldn't want me around either.

I would like to be in a relationship I really would but I am not settling just so that I am in a relationship. I figure if you settle one day down the road your going to ask your self why did I settle? And I don't want to ever ask myself that.

Sorry for diversing - so once again - I hope that with awareness - change will happen! I really don't want to be a bitter, envy filled person. It seems like such an ugly person to be and sad. I am remembering something a dear woman told me before I left on my walk on the Camino. She had said, "you maybe done with the walk, but you are never done with the walk" I think I am finally understand what she meant.

what is bothering me?

So first off my baby sister had to fly back to NY with her little family today - to attend the funeral of someone that use to be my grandmother as well - oh, divorce isn't it grand? So there is still an uneasiness and an unsureness as to what one should do in an already uneasy situation. Do the once step children attend? Or do the send there condolences or do they just stay home? Has anyone written a book about these situations yet? If not there is an idea for you.

So she (my baby sis) looked so sad and unsure not only is she going through this but then she is flying home with the little one by herself on her way home because my brother in law needed to go-ward to Louisiana for work. She has an inner strength that she doesn't know she has - she will get through this - plus, we still have a sister in NY so if she needs something Vanessa will be there. I feel bad she is the bridge most times for all of us to this once and now past family and actually her current family - weird. Anyway, she has Mya who today was singing the "follow the leader" song from Peter Pan (she informed me) through the airport as I followed her - one can't stay to sad for long with her around.

I have also been waiting to hear on my final acceptance at this school up north and I am getting edgy because I have not heard yet - and it starts March 30, less than 5 weeks away. I thought I was doing really well with leaving it all to fate but now I am getting anxious. Mainly, because it involves moving which involves giving notice to places such as where one lives and places of employment oh, and getting financial aid lined up. The main hold up is this math test I have to take before entering and the closest place is in Fresno and then the next is in Napa which when you have no car could be the same distance away. They are checking into something else and will supposedly get back to me by the end of the week...ugh! Patience - do I have any?

And then this is probably ridiculous - but, it has been on my mind for days now and is apart of what has been bothering me. When you ask someone not to tell anyone - that you just confided in them because you needed to talk or you needed help - Why? Why do people not keep there mouths shut? It is not like I ask this alot of people but gosh two separate events happened over the last couple of months where the one I asked not to say anything opened there mouth. Why does this bothers me so much? I am not to sure other than the fact that I am one that definitely ponders things and is prepared for things before I open my mouth ...at least usually. Maybe it stems from all the crappy things that have happened over the last year and being uneasy with situations and people...untrusting? I look back and have been burned quite a bit this year and really hate when things get thrown back into my face I guess.

Shit! That doesn't even sound like me - where have I gone? What have I become? Who am I anymore?

Self Confidence... I realized today on my walk to work that my self confidence is lacking which is ultimately retarded when I think back on the crazy things I have done and achieved. I wonder where did it go? Is it all because of the whole job thing? Was my self worth and self confidence that tied into my job - if that is so I am glad I am at a place to change that. So how does one fix that? That is what I am pondering now

Things feel like they are in a stand by mode yet maybe falling apart again? - kind of like I am almost to the end of the marathon and then there is another corner.
Trying to be hopeful and just take things one at a time. Emotions seem to high at times uUGH! I say to hormones uUGH!- salt and chocolate are godsends.
Then I checked my horoscope:
You are skilled at making everything look good on the surface, but something isn't quite right behind the scenes. It feels as if the truth keeps slipping away from you just as you get closer to it. Don't think that your approach is the only possible way. Only time will tell which path makes the most sense for you.
By Rick Levine
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
That is just it which PATH makes the most sense?????

I heard the coolest analogy the other day - life might be easier with a recipe but aren't the ones you make yourself better? ;-) Sometimes that is very true

fate is interesting

So I was going to write about this issue a friend and I are having - which, has basically put the friendship in a holding pattern since November. We really haven't seen each other since then and it is really very sad. So different from a year ago when we saw each other basically evey day or talked when we didn't see each other.
The main issue is that she sees something that went down one way and I see it another - and they are not close at all. My feelings were hurt and still are as well as hers and I wonder if we will make it past this point? I am sure she doesn't even understand why my feelings were hurt as I with hers other than the fact that my gut tells me she feels like I left her...as in her beyond the job that I left her personally but I didn't it was really all about me. We worked together and I left that job and I could totally be wrong on that. I just couldn't work there anymore nevermind the fact that I have no car to get there. All of this is sad because we made things happen for each other... dreams and such and took care of each other and now we don't even talk.
Anyways, this blog was going to go in a totally different direction then it is I pulled angel cards again this am and this is what I got when thinking about this very subject:

Patience Beauty Grace

So that is all and I feel a little bit better as I usually do after writing on this blog and wish you all a good day...and never let misunderstandings get to this point ...

ups and downs

I still definately have my ups and downs and most of it tends to go along with wether or not I am hopeful about the future or think I have found direction or hormones. I am definately tired of dealing with not having any money. At least my friends have finally stopped asking me to do things that cost money but, in a way that is sad in its self. I had a dear friend recently point out that I think to much well - yes, most defiately I do but how do you stop? Believe me I wish my mind would shut off for a couple of hours maybe then I could get some good sleep.
So I have been looking at going back to school - which most definately means I would have to move - but, lately I have been thinking that just might be a good idea. I don't like the idea of moving from family and friends but I am obvisouly not doing something right or I think (there I go again) things would have been much easier in this last year. Please do not get me wrong - I know life is not easy but it shouldn't be this hard. One should be able to live where they want and be able to make more than ten thousand dollars in one year ...no wonder I couldn't make my car payment!

holding pattern

Not to much going on ...just hanging on.
There is possibly some light at the end of the tunnel.
I do not want to get my hopes up or actually even give any of you any ideas since then some of you seem to get the impression that I don't stick with anything or give things my all? Which, I don't agree with - could it be maybe I do give my all - as in to much of my all? And why is it that one is suppose to stay with a job that is slowly killing you or making you meiserable?

So I will leave you all wondering what will I do next. Will I revisit the past? Or will I try something completely new? I wonder...