what is bothering me?

So first off my baby sister had to fly back to NY with her little family today - to attend the funeral of someone that use to be my grandmother as well - oh, divorce isn't it grand? So there is still an uneasiness and an unsureness as to what one should do in an already uneasy situation. Do the once step children attend? Or do the send there condolences or do they just stay home? Has anyone written a book about these situations yet? If not there is an idea for you.

So she (my baby sis) looked so sad and unsure not only is she going through this but then she is flying home with the little one by herself on her way home because my brother in law needed to go-ward to Louisiana for work. She has an inner strength that she doesn't know she has - she will get through this - plus, we still have a sister in NY so if she needs something Vanessa will be there. I feel bad she is the bridge most times for all of us to this once and now past family and actually her current family - weird. Anyway, she has Mya who today was singing the "follow the leader" song from Peter Pan (she informed me) through the airport as I followed her - one can't stay to sad for long with her around.

I have also been waiting to hear on my final acceptance at this school up north and I am getting edgy because I have not heard yet - and it starts March 30, less than 5 weeks away. I thought I was doing really well with leaving it all to fate but now I am getting anxious. Mainly, because it involves moving which involves giving notice to places such as where one lives and places of employment oh, and getting financial aid lined up. The main hold up is this math test I have to take before entering and the closest place is in Fresno and then the next is in Napa which when you have no car could be the same distance away. They are checking into something else and will supposedly get back to me by the end of the week...ugh! Patience - do I have any?

And then this is probably ridiculous - but, it has been on my mind for days now and is apart of what has been bothering me. When you ask someone not to tell anyone - that you just confided in them because you needed to talk or you needed help - Why? Why do people not keep there mouths shut? It is not like I ask this alot of people but gosh two separate events happened over the last couple of months where the one I asked not to say anything opened there mouth. Why does this bothers me so much? I am not to sure other than the fact that I am one that definitely ponders things and is prepared for things before I open my mouth ...at least usually. Maybe it stems from all the crappy things that have happened over the last year and being uneasy with situations and people...untrusting? I look back and have been burned quite a bit this year and really hate when things get thrown back into my face I guess.

Shit! That doesn't even sound like me - where have I gone? What have I become? Who am I anymore?