awareness is where it all starts - I guess

Definitions:
Bitterness - expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret

Envy - painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same

Jealousy - disposition, attitude, or feeling

Ok, this is all coming up - because a dear friend was trying to point out to me that my brutal honesty / sarcasm maybe too much at times for my roommate and that I should tone it down or filter myself because I could be hurting her feelings.

Of course at first I was defensive and hurt and possibly not listening at first. So of course I thought about it all day - and on my walk home it dawned on me. An aah moment! It could be true and maybe it was coming from not such a good place. I realized that I was filled with the ugly emotions of bitterness, envy and jealousy. Could it have possibly taken so long to figure out because I have never really felt those emotions before? Usually, I am the one that loves to celebrate every ones happiness and every moment in life worth celebrating. I am guessing that when one is unhappy long enough those ugly feelings will eventually follow. To realize that you are filled with those ugly emotions is unsettling to say the least.

I guess part of it stems from my job/career situation - I guess I figure if I am single I should at the very least have that going on...and I don't.

The other part that has been bothering me as well, is that I am constantly made very aware of my single status. I know that things change and will continue to change as everything does. Friends aren't as available as they once were. They also have started planning couple things which I understand couples will do. Dinners, trips or weekends - things have been planned without me and it does bother me.

Just maybe, it is not because I am single but because maybe I am not any fun to be around lately (as in the last year) and when your talking about bitterness, envy and jealousy - I guess I wouldn't want me around either.

I would like to be in a relationship I really would but I am not settling just so that I am in a relationship. I figure if you settle one day down the road your going to ask your self why did I settle? And I don't want to ever ask myself that.

Sorry for diversing - so once again - I hope that with awareness - change will happen! I really don't want to be a bitter, envy filled person. It seems like such an ugly person to be and sad. I am remembering something a dear woman told me before I left on my walk on the Camino. She had said, "you maybe done with the walk, but you are never done with the walk" I think I am finally understand what she meant.