In a funk and ranting

So I don't know what is going on with me ? I feel like I am going crazy. And Inow I kind of wish I was back in France walking - right now it seems like it was a lot easier on the trail then to be here.

Maybe it is all test?

For what I don't know. And maybe I am not suppose to know yet. At times though I feel that I have been through more than my fair share of crap - yet it seems to keep rolling in. And I do generally keep smiling and find laughter in it all but sometimes things just suck and they are not funny!
I just found out this week that at my old job (the one I lost just before my trip to France - nice timing folks) the other manager I worked with in my department was laid off and given a severance package? What the hell is that about? Not sure, of course that means I didn't get that when I was let go. I can not help but feel it is because she has a kid. So if I had a kid I could have come to work late, leave early, and all would be good - I doubt that very much. Why, am I still letting things that happen at that place effect me? I don't know but when I heard about that other manager it put me in a funk the last couple of days.

Then Tuesday, I tried to change the funk and go out and all seemed pretty good visited with a friend had some good wine and then went downtown and some how a pretty good evening was demolished by the last 5 minutes. I was called Shamu, fat old whale and some other stuff I don't remember right now by an extremely drunk ass and yes, he was in the process of getting kicked out of the bar for the second time but what he said has got me down. I know I shouldn't let an ass like that affect me - it gives him the the power - but, it is time to be honest and it really did and to be called a whale in front of a whole bar just sucks!

Which then brings to mind why is being a nice person a bad thing? When I hear oh, not interested to nice ...what the hell does that even mean? I just don't even get it. Keep in mind I know there needs to be attraction and such - I am not naive - I just don't understand why being to nice is a bad thing - why do people prefer to be treated like shit?

So then we get to Friday and I go to get my mail and what do I get? A letter from an attorney that the Workman's comp case that was settled years ago with my past employer at the airport is being reexamined for fraud? What the hell? This is from when I was injured on the tarmac working by myself, during post 9/11 cutbacks. The kind of funny thing about this is this has come up before after I had the two surgeries - workcomp sent me to one of there Dr's who then said I didn't need the surgeries - yes, after I had the surgeries then said I didn't need them. The ironic thing out of all of that was the workcomp Dr originally ruled me partially handicapped and couldn't be fixed. So I don't really know what to make of that right now.

And now we are at today, Saturday - one of my good friends has given up on SLO town and is moving back down south. I know after 15 years in this town it is transient but the goodbyes are hard and it also makes you ponder yourself staying in this town. It is kind of funny since I was just singing the praises of SLO town after being in Europe for 3 weeks - I was ecstatic to come home. The fact is it is a really beautiful place, but, hard for the post college and pre family life person to make it in this town. And it doesn't have any hopes of getting any easier. One has to make compromises to live here housing, money and most of the time it is OK, but, when one more person gives up on the dream of living in SLO it makes us all ponder can we really make it here? Can I really make it here? I don't know but it sure would be nice if I could.

I am not sure why but it has just occured to me how weird this whole blogging thing is - sometimes private thoughts or things that happen that I don't actually tell anyone about, I am now writting for all to see - weird. It does make me feel better though kind of like I said it and there it is now I am done I can let it go - kind of like writting it on paper and then burining it - but of course dfferent. If that even makes sense - I don't know but hope who ever is reading this has a good day.